Everyday I have with my children I count as a blessing. But I can’t help but feel a little guilty on the days I feel like I just need 10 minutes to breathe on my own.
I’m with my children 24/7 and for the most part, I enjoy being a mum. But there are times when it all gets too much. Like when I have to work AND look after the children, I get stressed because I’m constantly having to fight a toddler off from messing up my paperwork or banging on the keyboard. If it’s not Ella, then Myles is hungry and I’m still exclusively breastfeeding. I try to get my work done after they sleep in the evening, but by then, sometimes I’m too tired to work from the FULL day of mumming!
Imagine going to work and having 2 children with you at all times. Including your toilet breaks, lunch break and any other time you get A BREAK! As a mum, there’s no such thing as a break.
I find myself constantly on the go whatever I’m doing with 2 little humans with me all the time. When I manage to settle 1, the other needs my attention and it goes on all day long in rotation.
No one said it was easy and I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the blessings that are my children, but man oh man sometimes I could just do with a break.
As a mum I am constantly thinking about them. Juggling 2 at the same time, I couldn’t have imagined how hard it would be. My mind is constantly thinking ahead of time. Planning my next move that will smoothly get me to the next step of the day.
On top of all that mumming, I have to deal with other issues that are unrelated to mothering my children, which does not help when I’m already ready to crumble for the evening! This evening was tough. Hearing this and that and the other when I’ve had a long day with a fussy infant who is so tired that he can’t seem to sleep as he keeps getting interrupted at the very moment he’s about to doze off, while having a toddler who is wide awake and wanting to talk extremely loud in the same room, got me real hard. I spent 3 hours trying to settle Myles to sleep which was almost impossible with everything going on around him. When I managed to put him down, 2 minutes later he was fussing AGAIN FOR THE 10th TIME IN 3 HOURS. Then Ella was not helping with her not so quiet “quiet voice”! I just broke!
I couldn’t deal with it any longer. The first time I have ever walked out of the room with my baby crying. I hadn’t eaten, hearing news unrelated to my children was mentally exhausting and trying to settle a fussy baby for the past 3 hours while my toddler was hyper active just made my emotions explode.
I had to leave them with the hubby while my emotions burst in forms of tears. I felt guilty. Guilty for not handling the situation instead of walking out. Guilty for wanting to be by myself. Guilty for leaving my husband to deal with them on his own for the 30 minutes I spent eating my dinner after I walked out at 11pm, even though I do it all day long on my own. Guilty for it being 11pm and both the children are still awake. Guilty for coming back into the room and having an extra 30 minutes to myself and writing this post with Myles finally sleeping (thanks to the hubby) while I sent the hubby downstairs with hyper active Ella.
There are times that I don’t want to be away from my children and those are my favourite times. They’re my bff’s and I love playing and having conversations with them. They’re part of me and wherever I go, they go and I genuinely for most days, love that about them being my children. But then there are times like tonight that I just want to be alone. As a mother, there is no alone. You will never understand it until you have children. When I’m away from them I miss them like crazy and constantly thinking and worrying about them. It’s a mental exhaustion if not physical.
Mine are only 2 years old and 3.5 months old, I can’t even imagine when they’re teenagers!!!
Mum guilt is a real thing and no matter how much us mothers are encouraged not to feel it, we do. I can already foresee that I will never get used to it.