Have you ever been so emotional that you don’t actually know how you’re feeling? One minute I’m on a high and the next I can be crying for no apparent reason.
The past week I have been feeling emotionally confused. Myles is starting to get back to a good sleep pattern at night (2-3 hours) and we understand Ella’s sleep needs a lot more so she’s been easier to handle at bedtime. So if I’m technically getting more rest, why am I so emotional as if I were sleep deprived?
2019 is going to be a big year, yes I know everyone has been saying that, but in my life, we have so much to look forward to this year. We’re halfway through our 5 year plan and everything seems to be going in the right direction for what we’ve planned for.
After speaking to the hubby about how I’ve been feeling and apologising for my mood swings as of late, I realise why I’ve been so up and down. I’ve taken 10 months maternity leave and I have 3 months left of it! 😳 I already feel as though I missed moments with Myles as it’s just flown by so fast and now me returning back to work is just around the corner.
I have a lot to look forward to when I return to work, but it also highlights that my time exclusively with my babies is coming to an end. I remember feeling nervous the first time I returned to work from my maternity leave with Ella, I admit, I cried the first day. But this time it feels different.
This time my emotions are so mixed and so much more intense. I’m excited for the changes and opportunities that going back to work will bring, but I think I’m going through my own issues of separation anxiety from the children. To those of you who have never experienced this, it may sound silly as of course they will be fine without me, that’s not my worry I’m feeling, it’s one of the most daunting feelings you can ever feel. 10x worse than going a full day without your phone, or make up on your face, or shoes on your feet, it’s indescribable and no words of encouragement or reassurance makes the feeling go away.
I’m with my babies 24/7. They never leave my side (not even for a poo) and if they do, it’s never been both of them at the same time. Even on my toughest days with a toddler and infant, I wouldn’t change being with them.
I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on anything that’s outside of my time with my family. I had 15+ amazing years with my friends travelling the world, drinking and partying til the sun came up, 10+ years with my husband as just the two of us and I’ve only had 2 years being a mother. Thinking about my time away from them when I go back to work makes me feel sad and that I’ll be missing out on every second of the day with them.
My emotions are all over the place. A part of me is both excited and scared for what’s to come with work when I return and another part of me is sad knowing my babies won’t be with me. I can already feel the mum guilt kicking in just thinking about the moment I have to leave and Ella or Myles crying their eyes out when their separation anxiety kicks in. Over time I know it’ll get easier to leave, but it will never be easy leaving them.
I just have to enjoy these last months I have exclusively with them and plan for the future opportunities that await my family. As much as I don’t want to rush myself back to work, I also want to be prepared when that day comes.